I haven't been able to wrap my mind around it until now. It seems illusive and difficult to nail down as to how and why we are supposed to use these digital-social platforms. I now know (for me) the purpose is to include the world in my own exploration. "The world" is used loosely as no one is reading this right now. However there is power in allowing yourself to be viewed as you go through a process of transformation. There's a key component of accountability. I also think some healthy social restraint is placed on me as the writer. This means rather than say "fuck" one thousand times, I actually consider the words I'm using before I hit the button to publish.

I could scream and YELL but that's not how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm carefully watching myself, showing up and putting the words on the page. It's liberating to know at the time of this writing very, very few are reading this. I have known for some years the importance of finding the feelings I am now uncovering. My tendency has been to bury them once uncovered usually with drugs and alcohol.

I have put myself through detoxification programs on three separate occasions only to come away feeling like I never needed them in the first place. You see the problem is not with the drugs, alcohol or even prescribed medications. The problem is the fear within my soul to connect with others and to maintain that connection. What I have yearned for in those weaker moments was the escape into myself that I am now finding. The bizarre thing is that that freedom and escape into the self is something happening by laying my inner world bare for others to potentially see.