Sometimes you write with a passion to create and sometimes you write to vent and fill the page. This is definitely one of the latter. What can I say other than I’m psyched. I’m pumped. I can see that me life is a story and the outcome depends on how I choose to tell it. I’ve got everything at my fingertips and I guess that’s also why I feel as if my dreams are slipping through my grasp. I swear I glimpsed the infinite tonight. I saw straight through all of the illusion and saw the other side. Everything in the world was speaking to me as if to quietly and subtly say, “It’s going to be ok. It all works out. Don’t go down that road kicking and screaming.”

Oh but I do want to kick and scream a little.

Still I’m reminded of the process and how I’m a hip and happening 40 year old dude. Fuck all that we get better with age shit. We can keep getting better or we can give the fuck up and throw in the towel. I’m in the first camp. I see people out there in there 60s, 80s and above moving and living well. I’m pretty sure I’m healthy. Maybe I could drink a little less and maybe I could eat more greens but on the whole I think my bases are covered on the health and fitness category. Or at least I believe I know enough and behave out of that knowledge in a manner which lacks reproach.

What doesn’t lack reproach is my inability to comprehend how all the pieces fit together as events are unfolding. For example: On my way downtown to do standup tonight I had to push my way onto a packed subway train at 59th street in Manhattan. Rather than move in to make room people like to stand near the doors as it means they won’t be surrounded on all sides by people when the train leaves the station. I’ve done it hundreds of times. It’s fine if that where you want to draw your line ing the sand. I’m just trying to get on the train. This evening the coveted doorway spot was being held by a blond lady who was shielding herself with a gigantic purse. No big deal, I unshouldered my backpack and began to wriggle my way into the crowd. Then I felt an elbow push back. It was the blond. Ok I get it, nobody likes to be pushed but there also comes a time when the train becomes so packed you need to relinquish your doorway spot and move into the train. I could see two empty seats across opposite from where I stood so I knew there was plenty of space. The cattle were just getting grumpy.

Then to all in ear shot she says, “Stop pushing and get on the next train. I’m 9 months pregnant.”

Woah. Now it’s been confirmed. I am an evil person. Because of my selfish, creative, indulgent, fantasies and delusions of grandeur I have resorted to pushing pregnant women just to get 5 minutes of stage time. Nine month pregnant women to be exact.

In my defense, I’d like to state here for the record:

  1. I did not push. I merely wriggled assertively. I mean hey, I work out. You don’t want to really see me push.

  2. If you are pregnant don’t try to hold onto the door spot. Technically that’s reserved for those big enough and strong enough to deal with a little incidental contact.

  3. When it’s crowed as fuck, move in, make room and sit in the empty seats.

  4. I didn’t want to play this card but I feel it’s worth mentioning. This blond, big bag toting, nine months pregnant woman had a rock (actually 3 rocks) on her finger big enough to use as a sliding glass door on a shower. This ring could probably put a kid through private college. And all I’m saying, all I’m saying is this, you can’t have it both ways. If you want to be one with the people and get pity for being bumped around on the subway then be one of the people. Most pregnant women who walk onto the subway part crowds like the red sea because people in New York are not assholes who would EVER push a woman let alone a pregnant one. They would get out of the way and offer her a seat.

Weirdest thing about this whole episode was that after she announced that she was pregnant people around her offered her a seat and simultaneously commented, “Oh you don’t even look pregnant!” Crazy shit. Was she even pregnant? I’ll never know, I was sitting in one of the empty seats on the other side of the train. My embarrassment shrouded by the thick crowd of denizens making their way on the NYC subway.